Nathan Lee Bevan

This page is in meomory of my beautiful son Nathan Lee Bevan who died 31st January 2007 at 27 hours old from a diaphragmatic hernia also known as cdh.
At my twenty week scan i found out at grimsby maternity home that one of my twin boys had a serious condition known as cdh ,i was sent to Sheffield where i met dr ghandi who told me to abort my poorly baby to save my other son , although i refused!! I was told both babies would possibley have down syndrome or edwards syndrom and if it was edwards both would die, Nathans chance of surviving was 30% and if he died inside me he would kill his brother as they also couldnt tell if my twins were identicle or if my placentas was fused ( they was fused) and i also got twin to twin tranfusion syndrome at the end of my pregnancy ad pre eclampsia . I had a lot of heart ache and complications through out my pregnancy but never gave up hope , my boys were fighters true inspirations and proved the doctors wrong, the doctors said they would most likely die inside me before 28 weeks. . My boys are prove that dont ever give up when it seems their is no hope! ( to read moe their is a pregnancy diary bit on nathans piczo site which is www.piczo.com/angelnathanlee )

well i havnt got many memories of Nathan, i never relly felt him move when he was inside i always felt his twin Jordan though. Nathan was breach and loads smaller then what he should be, he stopped growing at one point. I ended up havin a emergancy c section because his heart was stopping inside me and if he died inside so would Jordan, so he faught that little bit longer and he saved his brothers life in a way! When he was born i didnt see him they had to resuscitate him and then they took him away so i didnt get to see him. I never got to see his eyes open or hear him cry, i never see him move. When i did get to see him (4 hours after he was born) he was paralysed and bein taken to Sheffield Hospital they fetched him to me as i had an emergancy c section and wasnt aloud to get up much and they said they wasnt sure if he would survive the transfer it was proper heart breaking, He was police escorted and the ambulance had the blue lights on 2 my mum had to pull over and give way she said she burst into tears knowing her grandson was inside it. I asked them, well begged them, to take me to Sheffield 2 as i was suppose 2 deliever their not in Grimsby as they didnt have the machines and equipment their for Nathan. They wouldnt take me though and Jordan had to stay on the Neonatal ward in Grimsby, the thought of us all being split up when Nathan was dieing proper upsets me, we should have been a family and we should have been celebrating instead of tears of joy it was tears of devastation. Nathan did make it to Sheffield but later that night he had a cardiac arrest they rang and said they think some one should be with him so Mark went with my mum obviously i wanted to but wasnt aloud. Then at 4 oclock the following morning the nurse came in and said "Hayley are you a wake can you take in what am about to say" with that me and my twin sister Katey burst into tears expecting the worse , she said "your little boy is very very poorly we have organised for you to go to sheffield you have to go now" with that the ambulance man was wheeling me off into the ambulance and i knew then he was dieing why else would they take me at 4 in the morning. I cried all the way their the funny thing is it wasnt even 24 hours after my section and i was laid on a stretcher in the ambulance they had their blue lights on and was going over speed bumps "Ouch my stitches" but i didnt think much about the pain it hurt like mad but at the same time i felt numb at the time i knew i ws going to say goodbye to my son the son i hadnt even got a chance to tell "i love you" to. Thats all that kept going through my heade. it took 45 mins 2 get their and it seemed liek the longest journey of my life. I got their i was takin straight to the special baby care unit, i knew straight away which Nathan was whcih is funny as i never got to see him properly before but it was obviously which he was, the fact the doctors was all stood round him that gave it away, he loooked perfect you couldnt tell their was anything wrong with him. He was tiny at 3lb but on the ward he was actually the biggest baby in their he was also the poorliest. I sat their staring at him and then Mark said to me look at that baby's monitor look at his heart rate look at that ones and that ones and now look at Nathan's that machines keeping his chest moving, (it was shocking his heart 2 keep it going) its keeping him alive just. Then the nurse told me he wasnt responding to any treatments and their was nothing much else they could try. They asked if we wanted Nathan baptised and i did, so they told me to go get some sleep and come back at 11 and that way Marks family could be their to. i fell asleep and i feel so guilty now i should have stayed by Nathans side but instead i was asleep in a different room i was soo tired and the morphine didnt help but i have to live with the fact i didnt stay with him and that really hurts, it will hurt me for the rest of my life (not long after Nathan died i heard the song at the bottom of the page and although it hurt and made me cry it seem to connect and make sense to me) 11 o clock and the vicor was their to dot he baptism the doctors where in the room so a nurse hissed " do you mind this baby is dieing" that was hard, although we knew we was in denial and no one had actually said it till then,. We was still waiting for marks dad to park the car, i was getting a litle anxious thinking if he doesnt hurry up we wont be able to baptise him because he will have already gone with the angels. Finally at half 11 Nathan was baptised, then staright after a doctor said can i talk to you in a differnt room, the worse words ever "im sorry theirs nothing we can do, its up to you tell us when and will turn the machines off but if you leave it to late he will have another cardiac arrest and will suffer" i literally howled and clung to mark, i can remember thinking do something else but i knew i didnt want him to suffer. I asked the doctor to tell our families who said they would leave us alone and the nurse took pictures of Nathan for us and then took us to a room, where she said she would fetch him through, we wasnt aloud to be their when they turned the machines off, when they fecthed him through they handed him to me and said you might seem him struggle to breathe i sobbed , they left us with him and i said to Mark his dead int he, he never even took a breath he was already dead when they handed him to me, i like to think that he peacfully passed away knowin he was with his mummy and daddy, but the truth is the first time i hold him Nathan-lee was dead. Nathans face was red bruised and swollen from the tubes and everything he also had blood round his mouth from them, to me he still looked gorgeous, he was perfect, a right little stunner! the Doctor come back and confirmed he was dead at 13.05 pm on 31st January 2007 Nathan Lee was 27 hours old.

After all our families said their goodbyes 2 him and left us with him, i helped the nurse bath him and then dress him this outfit we burried him in. We took some pictures, we took his hand & foot prints cut abit of his hair off and told him how much we loved him and then the Doctors took him away. We didnt want a post mortem we know the CDH killed him he didnt have a left lung and only a little bit of a right lung and had a whole in his heart ..God bless him he faught so hard he was my brave little fighter and we asked to much of him, as much as i was hurting i was soo thankful he wasnt suffering no more, i selfishly wished i could have another minute with him but as much as i love and miss him i wouldnt wish him back his in a better place now, a place free from pain and suffering. Mark set of back to Grimsby and i had 2 wait another 2 hours on my own for the ambulance. The journey back to Grimsby was horrible i was on my own in the ambulance and Nathan was in a moses basket. In my heart i had already said goodbye to my son on the way to Sheffield but i clung on to a little bit of hope that he would prove the Doctors wrong, as he had proved the doctors wrong many times before.
Nathan may not have been alive long but he brought so much love and joy 2 my life, just getting the chance to see him was the best gift anyone could and will ever give me ! Im sure he knows how much i loved him after all i carried him and Jordan for 32 weeks. I know am lucky i still have Jordan he looks so much like Nathan and i am soo greatful, especially cos i could have lost them both, although he wont replace Nathan his a constant reminder of our Angel and everytime i look at him i see Nathan in him.i love him soo much his my pride and joy but ill always ache for Nathan, loosing a child is the hardest thig ever the pain is undescribable and i wouldnt wish this on any1 not even my worst enermy. Im going to do a parachute jump and raise money for other babies with CDH and other premature babies in Nathans memory, he may be gone, but he lives on in Jordan and in my heart. At Nathans funeral we played Mariah carey and boys to men one sweet day... when ever i hear this song it brings tears to my eyes and so does snow patrol (chasing cars because i loved that song when was preg) open your eyes (because i wanted to see his eyes so much and for him to have a peek at the world and his family) and run (i wanted this at his funeral but we didnt some reason :s) I miss my son every single minute of every day and i lvoe him moe with every breath!! ive recently had a little girl who looks like nathan and brings me so much joy along with jordan although they wont ever replace nathan no one evre could, a piece of my heart went with him on january 31st 2007 and i dont think ill ever be the same again though i do smile and laugh , and try to carry on although his always on my mind!! If you want to read mroe about nathan and his condition see his site www.piczo.com/angelnathanlee although it does have pictures of him as an angel because to me he was the most beautiful little boy ever!